So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
