there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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