If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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