I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
