my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
