hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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