thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
