in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
