it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
