I accidentally had phone sex last night
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
