Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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