True but thats because hes a fetus.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
