You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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