She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
