hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
