I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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