I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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