Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
