Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
