I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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