I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
