god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
