took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
