Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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