Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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