You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
