I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
