Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
