Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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