I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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