I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
