Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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