my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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