Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
