Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
