I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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