she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
