Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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