it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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