I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
