I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
