I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
