please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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