I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize