please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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