I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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