i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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