my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
