exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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