he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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