btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
