operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
