You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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