I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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