What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
