I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
