life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
