i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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