yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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